excuses. i'm getting better at turning a phrase in a song. of telling a story. or at least, that's what i'm dedicating my creative energies towards. but really, if i'm honest, the thing that i excel at, no, the thing i am becoming Master Craftsman of, is: making excuses.

for some reason, it's easier. and because it's easier, i've been doing it alot. and because i've been doing it alot, i'm getting better at it, and it's becoming easier. i recognized this part of my personality a few years ago and did nothing about it and the behavior continued. then a few months ago, i started reading books about how to better organize my time, better direct my energies. i put a few things into practice and noticed an immediate difference in both my energy level, my productivity, my creativity and overall outlook on life. but then, after about a month of this, i began to backslide. i started reading news again. i started having depressing 2 hour breakfasts that were lasting because i simply couldn't log off the computer.

i'm not sure what the ultimate solution is for me, but i think it has to do with re-learning how to focus my mind. for a few years, yoga was helping me, but i've strayed from that, too.

i got back from the most recent tour, 3 days ago. i swore when i left, that i was going to spend every day being productive. it always makes me so sad to leave #1BB, the dogs and my house (my safety zone), and so i promised that i would make each moment worthwhile. i would work. i would make contacts. i would make all free moments into something amazingly creative. but you know what happened? it all just sort of buzzed by. it was 17 days and every day was full of something, but it wasn't nearly what i had hoped it would be. and although i accomplished a lot of my goals (i met amazing musicians, played great shows, made great connections, saw my family, celebrated milestones with my loved ones, played the piano at my parents' house, saw friends and fans along the way) i realized i was also making many excuses while on the road (i.e. i'll get to that email when i get back; i'll make that phone call later; i'll write that down when i remember). i feel disappointed that the time away wasn't more productive and even worse, now that i'm back and, relatively, caught up on sleep, i'm still feeling listless about doing stuff and don't want to really do anything. and i've spent the past few days making a bunch of excuses.

i want to stop. this is me, telling you, that i want to stop with the excuses. for the past 3 weeks, i've been writing it on my list every day: BLOG. and i haven't done it, why? there's no reason, except that maybe i felt i didn't have anything to say. (actually, that's a pretty good reason.) but i was on the road, lots of interesting things happened! maybe people who are interested in ellen cherry would actually like a bit of a distraction and read about these things.

SO. what am i going to do about it? well, the first thing i'm trying is Dark Room (for Windows). a mirror software program of Write Room (for Macs). Dark Room is a simple piece of software that makes my computer into a black screen where i can only see what i'm typing. and so far, one day into it, i'm already loving it. Something about not being able to see any other things that are happening on the computer has really helped me to focus on exactly the ONE thing that i'm doing.

Mainly, i'm disappointed that i'm no longer a real diarist. I used to write in my diary very regularly and it helped to clear my mind, calm me, and also served as my memory. i didn't have to remember things because my diary was remembering them for me. I'm hopeful, no--i'm determined to let this program help ease me back into being a diarist. i think my songwriting has really suffered from my lack of daily, mental maintenance.

Okay, enough excuses. and enough worrying about all the excuses i'm making. next post will be about the tour and all that's going on. hope you're doing well and to see you soon. thanks for reading my rant about myself.